[john pauses at the question, senses there is no pressure at all to answer it necessarily. he breathes in deeply and then out again, shaking his head a little.]

Honestly, I don't... really know why I did it.

It'd been a lot of terrible weeks, and everything I'd managed to set up over the last three years was torn away. I was... lost. I don't know why I thought I'd find my way again at the bottom of a bottle.

[maybe he didn't. maybe he just... wanted to be lost for awhile. his family was gone, he was kicked out of the lair, there was danger and being hunted constantly above ground and maybe he felt like he deserved to be caught again for all he'd done. the lies he's told.]