voyagers | [journal entry][open]

Entry tags:

[journal entry][open]

Speed Dating Event

So I am incredibly bored. [By bored, he means if he doesn't have something to occupy his mind at all times, he might actually lose his mind in things he doesn't want to and can't think about at all so bored. bored's an accurate enough sum up, right?] Clearly, the answer to this is to throw a little event for those who might want to participate. It is obviously not mandatory, and it will mostly be a party. I haven't thrown a party in a very long time, but I don't think I have lost the ability to do so. [or maybe this is a test of that, he doesn't really know.]

There will be delicious food made by yours truly! [hopefully still delicious, he hasn't made food for a lot of people in a very long time, but he returned to the kitchen before he disappeared, dragged through the door again]

There will be music, dancing, mingling, and talking!

And for those who'd like to, there will be speed dating. You sit at a table for five minutes, meet someone new, discuss things, get to know one another. Romance is not required. Make a friend, make a connection. Take the pressure off. Wear your fancy name tag with your preferences on it whether that's very specific preferences or none at all!

There will even be a table to share advice at whether it be romantic or otherwise if you want to give advice or if you need advice on wooing or what to use to get a particular stain out of your shirt or what have you. ;) It will be this weekend so if you're on the ship and want to stop by, feel free!

If you have any questions or any concerns, feel free to ask me them! I'm here all night while I plan out a menu. Also, I might make food while planning out a menu so there will be extra food in the main kitchen if anyone wants to eat anything.

[Locked Against his Older Brothers]

I know three very eligible bachelors, who just so happen to be my brothers. I absolutely want to sell up their qualities like nobody's business. They all have dark hair and are very tall. Many have considered them attractive. They were raised by a very wonderful woman who taught them proper manners and how to respect women.

There is one gentleman in his early thirties who is rough around the edges but a softy at heart. He enjoys a glass of whiskey, can curse like a sailor, but once you get past that rough exterior, you've got a person who is very protective and amazing in my opinion. Irish accent. His name is Adam.

There is another gentleman who is in his late twenties. He is very logical, smart, wise, and responsible while also being very caring. In fact, he practically helped our mother raise all of us growing up which means he had to put up with all of my shenanigans, which I have to tell you were pretty wild and occasionally dangerous. However, he always did so with utter patience. British accent. His name is Logan.

Finally, you have the gentleman and brother I am closest to. He is polite, charming, very easy to talk to and very caring and perceptive of and giving to those that he cares about. He is the most loyal person that I know, and he's also a lot of fun to be around. British accent. His name is Connor.

I highly recommend the three of them. ;) Individually naturally as they are not a package... deal.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Thank you.

That will be absolutely lovely at my eulogy, Alek. What would I do without you? Who would read my eulogy and be so accurate and truthful about the reasons why I died?

[that is the opposite of helpful, alek!!!!!! ethan is doing this for you!!! and for everybody!!! and for himself!!!]

Probably no one.

[ alek is aware ethan is being a ham, but he answers it so matter-of-factly - or he would if they were in person - that it's likely comical. he shakes his head in fondness, twirling the pen in between his fingers, before he goes on to add another question of his own. ]

Are you participating or are you just throwing our three brothers under the proverbial bus?

[ethan snorts lightly in laughter at that answer because he can hear it in alek's voice even so perfectly in his head.]

No, I am not participating, because I am being the host.

I'll have much too much going on, making certain it all goes smoothly and that the food is kept replenished and all of those very important host duties. There are many.

[ SIDE EYES YOU A LITTLE. ]

You could just say you don't want to, you know. [ instead of coming up with excuses. because they sound a lot like excuses to alek, ok. there aren't that many hosting duties and everyone knows how speed-dating works. he thinks. ]

[WOW LOOK. keep your side eyes to yourself.]

I don't want to. [see? admitting without making excuses or anything like that.] I'll meet everyone that attends and have conversations with them, and I'll wear the name tag too.

Won't they confuse you for one of them if you have a name tag, too? [ he's just having your back here, ethan. you came up with a brilliant plan to keep their brothers busy instead of meddling on alek's love life. the least he can do is make sure that ethan doesn't get dragged into it, too.

#loyalty ]

Good point. I was planning on not sitting at the tables and thought that might do it, but given I am never afraid of introducing myself... the name tag may simply be confusing as opposed to helpful.[look, he appreciates it okay. before all of this, ethan would be one hundred percent for participating in speed dating himself, charming the socks off everyone, meeting people.

now he prefers to have control over any social situation. as a host, he can leave to fix more food or get more or whatever it is that needs doing without anyone batting an eyelash. he can escape it if he needs to. he's not really used to wanting to escape social situations, and he doesn't analyze the reasons why he just makes sure he has a way to do so.]

[ alek does know ethan would've been all for participating and having a ball in an event like this one. he's likely the one that would be most successful within it, too. ethan charms a room with ease, makes friends without even trying whereas alek is just - well, he's alek, but he's starting to be a little more perceptive. ]

You sure you're okay?

[ he knows it might not lead him anywhere, asking. but he can't not ask. ]

[ethan is tired. and he feels old already which is ironic to him given... everything.

he has endless amounts of time to brood and to feel all of these things he doesn't want to feel in the time that he gets to spend with his brothers, with elena. he refuses for any of that to get in the way anymore. maybe it's less avoidance, more the understanding if he processes it, he loses.]

Grateful to be back and that all of you are here too.

[ there's a slight pause where he isn't sure if he should press or not. ethan didn't really give him an answer, after all, but it isn't in alek's nature to press. he is bad at feelings, and he can't expect anyone else to be much better at them. maybe he's selfishly just grateful for the same things, and it's why he can be a pain in the ass little brother in return.

there's still an ache in his chest, but he manages to write out something dumb and meant to be funny. ]

I'll tell Adrien you said that.

[they're the best at feelings!!!! no, ethan is bad at them too when it comes to his own. time is limited, and he isn't going to waste them on his own feelings when his feelings will be around for forever and their time on the ship is so limited.

ethan laughs at what he writes.]

Adrien is going to be so hurt. He has to show up at some point, doesn't he? The ship's simply cruel.

[ lbr, adrien is the finn mikaelson of the hale family... ]

Maybe he's just being fashionably late to the ship, the way he's fashionably late to everything else. [ alek loves adrien the way he loves all of his brothers, but the man can't commit to a schedule if it saved his life. he's like the exact opposite of logan in so many ways. but it's their differences that make them interesting. ]

[jrelk;a sad but true.........]

I do love how we always spin it as fashionably late, and Logan would pace around in annoyance about it. Because he is so straight laced and responsible in comparison. [they all have a lot of differences from each other, but they also have similarities which tie them all together.

there's a pause after a moment because well, he hasn't been around. adam only just showed up on the ship, and ethan never really got to know him since he was only with his brothers for a week so--]

How are things with you and Adam now? Well, Adam and everyone...

[ alek gives a small snort, because it is true.

he has a feeling that there's no changing logan's straight-laced ways. i mean, one can hope, but he's been this way for so long he can't imagine it being any different. and there have been times where they've really needed someone to step up and be the responsible one. in most of those cases, it's been logan.

pulling in a small breath, alek considers the question. ] Weirdly good. [ it's only weird because he never imagined they'd get to a place where that was true. ] It took some time, and I think he felt out of place at first, but he's finding his own place.

[ within their family. again, like he was always meant to have. ]

[ethan doesn't even want to change logan's straight-laced ways. they need that. the brothers are all so different but they work so well together. he breathes in deeply as he looks at him with a soft smile.

it's good to hear his response.] That's good to hear. You don't-- Well, none of you know about this, but once he came to the house in Chicago.

It was just Connor and me home so we had... lunch together, all of us.

I knew then.

[he knew that adam belonged with them, that he saw their house as a home even if he felt he didn't belong in it anymore. there's nothing he would want more than all of them attached, together.]

[ it's not that logan needs to forever change his straight-laced ways, but his letting go of that rigid need of his to always be responsible couldn't hurt. he's taken care of them since he was young, when he was a child and he should've been allowed to be a child, but he was busy being a parent to them instead.

now that they're all grown-up, alek just wants to give some of that back to him. sometimes. ]

... Seriously?

[ it doesn't surprise him that it's something alek doesn't know. he loves his siblings, and he isn't angry at them for keeping adam a secret anymore, but it's also not surprising there are things he doesn't know about the time adam was in chicago. right now, he's genuinely curious and nothing else. ]

How'd that go?

[it couldn't hurt at all, and ethan is all for encouraging logan to let go at this party, to have some fun. despite what he wrote here, his goal is to mainly make certain that his brothers have fun whatever that might mean. they each deserve to after all, and the ship had a ball not long ago but ethan wasn't here for that so he doesn't know.

this is a bit more casual so he thinks logan, adam, connor might enjoy and meet people and that is very, very good for them all to get to meet people.]

Seriously, yeah. [feels like forever ago and well, it's been years now at least.]

It went well... and strange, but it went well. Connor talked to him more than I did. I just made lunch for all three of them. Looked like he was running from something, I guess now we all know what.

[ it's weird to think about; adam in their house when he wasn't around. it's weird to think about the fact once upon a time, adam lived there and alek just doesn't remember it. it must've meant something to adam, once upon a time. it must've been weird for him to step into their family home after so many years of being away.

there's also an ache as he thinks of how that house is long gone. ]

Yeah, I guess we do. [ he swallows, since it's nothing he's ever given much thought to, if he can help it. of course, this means he used to think about it constantly. less so, nowadays. ] Do you ever think about it?

[ what would've happened had they stayed in chicago, with their father on adam's heels. ]

[ethan only barely remembers it. he was so young at the time but he does remember it, remember adam there at the start of it all. how things shifted again and again and again and again. things don't say the same.

they're not supposed to.

he bites down on his lip as he looks at the question, and he wonders if-- how he should-- there was a lot of time with nothing to fill it up with, nothing beyond very basic things]

More than I ever wanted to think about it but yeah. I have. I do. [whatever he's been through, ethan knows it's preferable to their dad having found all of them, to what would have come, to how their father would have hurt the people around them to get to them and to destroy them and remake them as he wanted to do so. he understands more than he ever has before, the monster inside of himself. the monster he's been trying to run away from but finally caught up with him

but he knows he has no idea the kind of monster their father is. wherever the hell he is. god, how he misses chicago more than he can ever express.] Do you ever think about it?

[ he remembers much more than alek does, that's for sure.

neither of them remember as much as adam does, but alek realized a long time ago that ... maybe that was a good thing. before adam came into their lives, he'd wondered before who his father was. it's a helpless thing, when you're five and everyone's drawing their families and it hasn't occurred to him why there isn't a father alongside his mother, like the rest of the drawings made by his classmates. now he wishes he'd never known.

alek is comforted by the honesty in ethan's answer, even as his chest clenches painfully with the reminder. he can picture it vividly if he tries, adam showing up on their doorstep that new years eve. ] Yeah, I do. More than I ever want to think about it, too. [ his shoulders tense in spite of himself, and it's around this time he wishes he and ethan were back at the bar drinking something. ] I wonder where he ended up.

[ if anywhere. he can hope he ceased to exist along with the rifts, but he has a feeling they're not that lucky. ]

[ethan does remember, and he knows alek never did, that he didn't know adam even existed until... the two ran into each other.

they should have told him from the start about it all. ethan knows that now. he is old enough, wise enough to know keeping information from people doesn't save them. it doesn't make it better for them. it doesn't change the truth. the truth always catches up with you eventually. no matter what.

he swallows a bit at alek's answer in turn, and he lowers his head a bit further, releasing a breath, closing his eyes.] Think that's helpless at least eventually. [he lost a lot because he lost himself in his fear over that to start with. he lost time. time he couldn't afford to lose with people he loved. he lost--] I don't know. Hopefully somewhere that could completely obliterate him from existence.

Might be wishing too hard, huh?

[ there's a slight pause following ethan's question.

the person he'd been before would've said yes, absolutely. he would've scoffed at their hope and their sentimentality. he was too hardened by his fears and his anger to see anything useful in the concept of wishing. now that he sits beside his brother, who seems to need it most but will never ask for it, alek finds that it's all too easy to give. ]

I don't know about that, man.

[ and he means that, too. alek wouldn't say something that isn't true merely to comfort someone. life's been hard enough on them all. they should get a break, and it's not wrong to want it. ] Look at all we've lived. All the places we've traveled. We're on a boat that goes nowhere. The odds of anything happening don't seem too slim when you take into consideration everything else that's seemed impossible and it ended up happening, anyway.

[ maybe they didn't escape cruel fates, but maybe they have escaped their father. ]

[ethan knows the person alek was before would have said yes. he knows it, and he has no hope now or sentimentality or--

he doesn't really have anything anymore, it feels like. still, it's alek's answer that makes him smile softly, reading it. his eyes burn, because it shows some kind of growth while ethan is pretty sure he's gone back or forward in the wrong way. it's hard to tell anymore, and it doesn't matter.]

So maybe we are actually all free from him for all time.

If nothing else, I know

I know that is a very good thing. We can try to pave our ways forward separate from what he made of us.

Then what's the problem?

[ alek asks it bluntly, because he's blunt and he's aware that something is up with ethan, something he isn't saying. it radiates off of him whether he speaks of it or not, and he doesn't think he can ignore it any longer.

not that he'll force ethan to talk about it, but at least he's addressed the elephant in the room. ]

[ethan doesn't really know how to describe it. how he was certain he lost everything, not once but twice, how he became destruction (the one thing he was terrified of being) and the blood on his hands, the world he lives in where there is no one to talk to and where he spends most of his time as a wolf, and the fact he can't die. there's no summing that up. there's no putting it bluntly as much as he would like to now. maybe if he gave everyone a reason they'd understand.

in the end, the only thing that comes out is a truth of its own.]

It's hard to talk about.

Which is a shitty excuse, I know.

I'm just having a hard time finding my way right now. [after everything.

figuring out who he is and-- and that he isn't alone anymore or believing that any of this will last. it's hard.]</small.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[journal entry][open]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]

[locked]