[damon is not so grown that he is able to answer that question completely accurately. he once came to her in her room though she doesn't remember, and said, It's because I love you that I can't be selfish with you.
he has been plenty selfish when it comes to her (was selfish that night too, he sees that now) and terrible, beyond terrible again and again and over and over, and hurt her and lashed out and been unfair. he thought about those moments and actions more times than he can count over the decades in the ache of missing her. he thought about how even though he is in love with her, a part of him always would be, how she should be with someone else, someone better, someone who is not so wholly damaged that he can't hold anything in his hands without crushing it to bits. he is not the relationship type of guy whatever he may want.
damon knows deep down that it goes beyond deserving or not deserving. he knows that he cannot be in a relationship. even if feelings were shared, even if she chose him, he would destroy things. he is terrible, and he wants more than anything at the end of the day for her to be happy, for her to have the house with the white picket fence and the kids and the husband, all of the things that she has wanted and all of the things that she should get to have. the happiness that she should get to have. the things that he could never give not to her, not to anyone, and he knows that.
and he would be content to be her friend which is what they were and have been beyond any complicated feelings. he'd be content to be there (but he is not there in that world with her, not allowed that much of a luxury) and watch the world get it right one of these times. just one of these times, get it right.
get it right for her.]
I wanted to. [is the only answer that comes out of his mouth though as he takes another drink from the glass in his hand and finally looks at her. look at how human he can look for brief moments, how vulnerable, how human. he wanted to.
he wanted to give her something good for a change. and not so destructive.]
no subject
he has been plenty selfish when it comes to her (was selfish that night too, he sees that now) and terrible, beyond terrible again and again and over and over, and hurt her and lashed out and been unfair. he thought about those moments and actions more times than he can count over the decades in the ache of missing her. he thought about how even though he is in love with her, a part of him always would be, how she should be with someone else, someone better, someone who is not so wholly damaged that he can't hold anything in his hands without crushing it to bits. he is not the relationship type of guy whatever he may want.
damon knows deep down that it goes beyond deserving or not deserving. he knows that he cannot be in a relationship. even if feelings were shared, even if she chose him, he would destroy things. he is terrible, and he wants more than anything at the end of the day for her to be happy, for her to have the house with the white picket fence and the kids and the husband, all of the things that she has wanted and all of the things that she should get to have. the happiness that she should get to have. the things that he could never give not to her, not to anyone, and he knows that.
and he would be content to be her friend which is what they were and have been beyond any complicated feelings. he'd be content to be there (but he is not there in that world with her, not allowed that much of a luxury) and watch the world get it right one of these times. just one of these times, get it right.
get it right for her.]
I wanted to. [is the only answer that comes out of his mouth though as he takes another drink from the glass in his hand and finally looks at her. look at how human he can look for brief moments, how vulnerable, how human. he wanted to.
he wanted to give her something good for a change. and not so destructive.]