Recognizing it isn't easy. It means reflection, which can be hard to do especially with a lot going on.

[john shakes his head a bit, but it is true. it can be very difficult, and he isn't always any good at it himself. he is usually thinking about the past, thinking about the future, thinking about what he has to do. there hasn't been room for self examination nor has he ever felt like he should.

there's a war going on, and there have been people who rely on him. people who he lied to and betrayed. people who he took their only hope away from.]

Exhausting in a different way, because you don't always realize you're pretending or ignoring.

[it just becomes instinct. an instinct which can be dangerous.]