voyagers | [ota] i am a super srs rper

It really does. I believe you. It's hard not to when riding on a magic ship in the middle of an ocean.

[what isn't possible at this point? especially when this is some place between worlds, between universes. he's seen magic here, seen things he thought were only make believe.

john lifts an eyebrow at what she says before he nods after a moment. it would be complicated, but it would also be a potential escape. there's this wondering in his head if maybe that's not what the people behind the curtains had in plan. show them it's not so bad, let them have a second chance so they're grateful for this place. ...but he is suspicious by nature especially of those at the top.]

It does sound complicated. Complicated is dangerous, but it sounds like everyone is in a tight spot. There are no easy ways to get answers... so.

[they're stuck with what they know.

oh, john.]

[ oh, elena will never trust the two are far as she can throw them.

even the agents she has come to know and like, she wouldn't say she trusts them. at the end of the day they're still the people in power. she's thought of it before - if the two give them incentives such as these so they'll cooperate, but it just doesn't make it any less important to her - that she gets to see ric again where he would otherwise be dead, that someone like rue is relatively safe as opposed to forced into the hunger games to a potentially equally grisly fate.

it matters, even if it's all meant for their own purposes. it doesn't mean elena can't find her own meaning in it. she has to. there's no choice in her being there as it is. it's just stronger than her, stronger than even klaus if it can strip him completely of his powers. ]

No, there aren't. And they claim to believe in an even playing field, so people with abilities - they're stripped of them. In some cases that's a really good thing. [ bc who wants klaus and katherine at their full powers? ] In other ways, it makes getting answers or leaving that much harder. It's just - it's bigger than us.

[ so she has to find a way to move on with her life in spite of that. ]

[there's a pause as he nearly grimaces when she says people are stripped of powers. it is seeming much too much like ultra. people are kidnapped against their wills. they're stripped of their powers completely. the thought alone can make him shudder though he would be at least grateful to know that people can get their powers back, that it is not the same painful procedure that ultra has, which turns tomorrow people into husks of who they were.]

In other ways, it would be like taking-- They have already taken so much from people. Why do they get to take more? Why do they get to take away powers too? [john shakes his head, because he realizes she doesn't have those answers and the lack of having them must be frustrating as hell since she's the one that actually has to live it.]

...it sounds that way so all you can do is try to move forward or... to keep moving. Maybe not necessarily forward.

[to survive.]

[ elena wouldn't want that to happen to people like john. but people like klaus? the fact they are powerless, at least when they first arrive to teleios, is an advantage that she won't be sorry for. it's not that she doesn't believe alaric when he tells her klaus won't be a problem to her anymore specifically, but since when has her own well-being been her sole focus? he could easily hurt alaric, stefan, people she cares about, and he could do it with no one stopping him if he had his full powers.

she's praying he doesn't find himself courting an agent for a favor anytime soon. ]

That's kind of where I'm at. It's not like I could go back to Chicago even if I wanted, but - I'm not always great at doing that.

[ the whole moving forward thing if it means letting go of something she cares about. ]

[john can definitely see why certain people should have their powers taken. he can think of a few who... well. their powers don't make them good. they just make them powerful. they can do a lot of damage with those powers if they want to.

john has before after all. and he has seen what those who want to use their power for terrible things can do without thought, without remorse.]

Yeah, I'm not always so great at doing that myself.

I move forward because I have to, because I survive, but... Not always great at moving completely forward. Some part of me always seems to get stuck or caught.

Trapped maybe, I don't know.

[ the power itself is not what makes a person good or bad, elena agrees with that. it's how you use it, how it's wielded - whether it's a weapon or a shield. nothing about it is fair regardless of the way that you look at it, but elena also knows that it's never as black and white as it seems. she shifts a bit, propping her elbows and leaning forward to listen.

whatever it is, elena plans to get to the bottom of it in some way or another, but she's not thinking of that currently.

she's thinking of john's words and how familiar they are. how it could so easily be something that she would say herself, if she'd ever found the words to say them first. ]

Why ... do you think that is?

[ that he gets stuck. ]

[there's a long pause that follows her question, because he can tell that she understands. he gets that sense from her that she relates to what he is saying, that she finds it familiar too because of how she feels herself. john connects to that so from sensing that understanding, it's easier for him to find his own way.

it's easier for him to think of the reasons why-- why it's so hard for him to move forward after everything that has happened.

one would think he'd want to head for the hills as far from his past as possible, but.]

Guilt.

There are things I've done that I can't let go of, because the people they hurt are still... suffering from it.

[or they're dead. six feet in the ground, and they can't move forward.

why should he?]

[ it would be easy for him to connect.

beyond the fact her expression conveys an understanding that reaches beyond empathy, there's surface thoughts here and there about just how deeply that resonates with her. and has resonated with her, for a very long time now. for years, elena was wracked with survivor's guilt. she would be lying if she said she was completely free from those shackles, but she always keeps taking steps forward now. ]

Surviving while everything around you falls apart can seem meaningless, but it's not. And staying stuck in the same place won't change the past. It won't undo the hurt. It won't bring people back. [ the words may be difficult, but her voice is gentle. ] The things we do set things in motion, and we have to learn to live with that. So we can go on to do more, and be better, and try again.

It's a choice, and it's not easy, but it doesn't make it impossible.

[ she still believes that.

even after everything, elena still believes. ]

[john is picking up those bits and pieces helplessly. he isn't even trying to, because people do deserve their privacy but he can't help but pick up surface things from nearly anyone he meets. he feels that guilt that she carries herself, feels the way she has a difficult time letting go too like he does.

it makes it easier to open up about it, feeling that understanding, that connection there that they share.

there's a quiet silence following what she says before he licks his lips a bit thoughtfully then raises his gaze to meet her own. everything she is saying strikes a chord in him, rings true between them, and his chest aches with all of it as he folds his hands on top of the counter, staring down at his fingers while they lock together tightly.]

Do you remember those things for yourself too?

It just... seems like you understand. Really understand.

[because she has been through it herself. he can tell.]

[ elena's smile softens into something more bittersweet. ]

It's a work-in-progress.

[ Some days are better than others. Some moments are more easily defined than others. It's not easy to figure yourself out when you're constantly getting plucked from one place to another before you've even caught your breath. it keeps changing her, and so she keeps needing to find herself. again and again. ]

I'm... a work-in-progress. [ and she constantly has to work at it. it would be easy to unravel the threads and undo it all, but she actively fights against that. she wants it all to matter - every year, every place she's been sent to, everyone she has ever met and lost - it needs to matter. ]

[john smiles at her when he sees that smile on her face even if the bittersweet nature of it hits him square in the chest.]

It means something that you work at it and that you can recognize that about yourself enough to work at it. [he meets her gaze across the counter, breathing in deeply, because he really hasn't worked at it at all. john has been so wrapped up in this war and so wrapped up in surviving for so long that he-- he has never really known how to live.

he's caught glimpses of it in the lair, but he is always thinking and planning.]

It must be hard... even exhausting sometimes. [to always be working at it, but then again, it's exhausting to hold on too tightly to things and to be stuck.]

I didn't always recognize it.

[ much less would she have talked about it. elena is a very sociable creature. she needs and seeks connections to people. she doesn't like isolation. but in some ways, she's also very private - with her thoughts and with her feelings. she guards them, keeps them for herself sometimes, even if it's only because she doesn't understand them and she needs to sort them out before she can ever share them with anyone else. ]

But ending up in a place where you're meant to atone for your transgressions gets you thinking, regardless of whether or not they're being genuine.

[ the people that brought them there in the first place, that is. ]

It can be. But ... sometimes ignoring them or pretending they're not there can be more exhausting.

Recognizing it isn't easy. It means reflection, which can be hard to do especially with a lot going on.

[john shakes his head a bit, but it is true. it can be very difficult, and he isn't always any good at it himself. he is usually thinking about the past, thinking about the future, thinking about what he has to do. there hasn't been room for self examination nor has he ever felt like he should.

there's a war going on, and there have been people who rely on him. people who he lied to and betrayed. people who he took their only hope away from.]

Exhausting in a different way, because you don't always realize you're pretending or ignoring.

[it just becomes instinct. an instinct which can be dangerous.]

[ dangerous is one way of (adequately) putting it.

elena grows quiet following his observation, accepting it for the perceptive answer that it is. she doesn't know how they deviated from their initial conversation to something more profound, but she isn't complaining. even if there are things that just aren't easy to admit. ]

It sounds like you have more than just a lot going on.

[ she doesn't ask him to elaborated, either. not after the kind of night he must've had that led to his drinking so much. instead, she looks down at the plate to make sure he's eaten. ]

How are you feeling?

[john glances down. she is very, very perceptive herself, and he nods even if he doesn't elaborate. he also senses that he doesn't have to elaborate with her. it's okay to simply leave it at that.

there's a lot going on. there's an endless amount of things going on all of the time, and he never really stops thinking about it. maybe he thought if he got drunk enough, he wouldn't, but it didn't really work that way.

it just made him feel worse.

he smirks a helpless soft smirk when she glances at his plate.]

You're a caretaker, aren't you? [john is pretty good at reading people too. he picks up the glass of water in front of him, taking a long drink from it] Much better... and drier. Thank you.

[ elena only smiles a tiny bit at the question.

she does like taking care of people. she likes helping them and she can be very protective of her loved ones. she doesn't have caroline forbes' extraordinary bedside manner, however. but then, no one else in this world does. ]

You're welcome, John.

[ and she means that. she's glad that she's met him, glad that she could help, and she only hopes that he feels even better tomorrow, but that's never a guarantee.

the hangover dispels but your problems are still there. even when you're on a boat with a lot of strangers. but they're not strangers anymore, and she thinks it might mean something good. ]

[ota] i am a super srs rper

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