voyagers | [ota] i am a super srs rper

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john's hand remains against her arm as he looks at her face. he can't imagine the things that she is describing or how difficult they must have been to see, to live through, to get to the other side of that. he shakes his head after a moment, much, much more sober than he had been before for multiple reasons now.]

That... sounds terrible. I wouldn't even be able to imagine watching the world eat itself from the inside out like that. [how horrifying that must have been to see it be ripped apart, swallowed whole. people must have been screaming, buildings taking in chunks. he tries to imagine what he would do in that situation, and he doesn't... know.] I'm... sorry.

[it sounds like another home lost.]

[ speaking of empathy.

elena can tell he really means that. it's not something he's just saying because it's commonplace and expected of him to do so. it doesn't make the lump in her throat tighten any less. she swallows past it somehow, looking down at the counter in between them. ] Me too. [ she doesn't know that she could put into words what chicago came to mean to her.

she would just never do it justice. she breathes in and tries for a small, flimsy smile. it doesn't quite reach her eyes. ] The experience did make it easier for me to adjust to all of this. Different worlds, realities. It's a lot to wrap your head around, but after nearly three years...

[ well, it just became a part of her life, really. ] Let's just say I've done a lot of traveling.

[john doesn't know much about commonplace or what's expected of him in this sense so it does come from the heart. it comes because he really means it. he stays close even as she looks down at the counter in between them, and he doesn't say anything else, but he can tell even without her saying that chicago meant a lot to her.

it was a home that she had to lose after another one. and there's something that strikes a chord in him at the sight of that small, flimsy smile on her face, how it doesn't quite reach her eyes.] It sounds like you are well experienced, and it might mean you're better at figuring this place out than someone that doesn't have that.

[there's a tiny smile before he shakes his head.] I would hate that. Not traveling, but... having everything ripped away like that. Where are you-- Where do you go to when you head through that door?

[because it's-- he hopes that that last rift didn't take her to this in between place.]

[ elena shakes her head. ]

Not in the way you'd think. The frustrating things about rifts is they often didn't have rhyme or reason to them, and sometimes you had to accept there weren't any satisfying answers, not that I ever ... wanted to. [ acceptance is not something that's in her vocabulary when it comes to defeat. ] Scientists from all over the world tried to control them and couldn't. It's magic and the universe and something else, maybe, but sometimes it's just as weird as it seems.

[ sometimes there are just holes in the universe and you fall through them, and you're forced to deal with that.

as for his other question - elena takes a deep breath and gives a tiny smile in return. ] It's a city called Teleios. They say it's a waiting room for some kind of Utopia, and we basically have to work off a debt to get there.

That does sound frustrating. You don't... seem like someone who is good at accepting defeat. [there's a pause after that and a tiny smile since he means that as a compliment. john was trained to be very good at reading people, and he can just tell with how determinedly she worked to help him tonight, to get him away from the pool. to the extent, she fell in along with him.] Magic.

[there's a tiny smile, because he never would have believed in it before this place, but it's hard to deny what's right in front of him. he has no explanations for why he is here, no explanations for how this ship can do what it does.

he tilts his head in confusion.] ...debt? Debt to who?

[ elena smiles back at him helplessly because no, she is really not. relentless and stubborn seems to be in the gilbert genes by default. and she is a gilbert, even if her biological father is john and not grayson like she thought for most of her life - ukw, more details. what it comes down to is grayson was her father in all the ways that counted. ]

Only the oldest beings of all time.

[ the answer is very, very dry. she's been stingy with who she shares this information, and she hasn't revealed her source in case jack wasn't supposed to say much as it is, but they're on this ship and not in teleios, so elena doesn't censor herself as much. ] They call them The Two, but they're supposedly... Good and Evil.

[ her life tho. ]

[john's smile widens at the sight of hers, and he shakes his head in quite, helpless, amusement, almost fondness too despite the fact that they have just met. they come from such different worlds, and there is something about her that he is drawn to as he leans against the counter.]

Only.

[there's a smirk on his face, because of the dryness with which she says it even as he shakes his head, because he doesn't get it really, but it sounds even more confusing than the world that she came from last with its rifts.] ...and you owe Good and Evil a debt for what exactly?

[seriously. what is your life even, elena gilbert.]

[ trust, john, that the feeling is very mutual. ]

There's apparently a whole list.

[ the wryness in her smirk doesn't quite fade. elena didn't get to meet athena, though she really should've, to see for herself all of the things she's done that the Two would count as transgressions. ] It's basically ... everything you've done in your life that you might need to make up for. To move on to somewhere better and know that you've earned it. In theory.

[ in practice, it just honestly seems like two old beings growing very bored and deciding to play a game. ]

[john feels it, connected deeply between the two of them.]

A list? Wow, do they give you this whole list or do they leave you guessing?

[his smirk widens with wryness of his own. john doesn't know if he'd want to see his own list if he were there. oh, john. he is very aware of the terrible things that he is done (he knows he is a monster, a freak).] Who are they to say that, to take that debt? It sounds a lot more like they're trying to manipulate some game and using people to do that.

[john really doesn't like the thought of this place, and he doesn't like thinking that she's there.]

They leave you guessing, but there are ways you can figure it out. Mostly discussing it with Athena, who is a ... goddess. Teleios means perfect in Greek, and there are agents who are also gods from different pantheons. Well, most of them.

[ the more she explains, the more ridiculous it all sounds. she's aware. ]

Like I said, the oldest beings of all time with enough power to do or say what they want. [ it is very, very frustrating. ] Not many have met them personally. The last agent I talked to before I ended up here said they never showed up in Teleios often unless it was absolutely necessary. Not much is known about them.

[ they're the two behind the curtain, and elena kind of seriously wants to just tug on that curtain. ]

...that all sounds frustrating as hell. They're really gods and goddesses there? So it means even if people wanted to revolt, it wouldn't be so easy to do.

[fighting Ultra is one thing, but... gods and goddesses are supposed to be damn powerful.]

I'm not a big fan of lack of control, and it sounds like... the place you're at has a lot of that while someone behind the curtain tugs on all the damn strings like... people are theirs to use.

[just thinking about it makes him feel this swell of anger in his chest helplessly so.]

Yeah, there really are. It sounds crazy, right? But it's real. They're agents working for the Two, at least some of them. So while they're powerful, they're ... not as powerful as them. It's really them we'd need to keep an eye out for.

[ the agents... well. they're after their own interests, always, and as long as you don't get in their way, you should be okay. it's when their interests go directly against yours that you should be worried. ]

A part of it is, yeah. But ... it's complicated. [ elena chews on her lip since she just had this conversation with atum. ] It's also a better alternative for a lot of people. It's saved them from a worse fate and given them a second chance. I've been reunited with people I never thought I'd see again, and they get second chances, too. Even if it ends up being a game to the people behind the curtains, it's not all bad, either.

[ she's grown fond of it in a lot of ways. and ... really hates it in others. ]

It really does. I believe you. It's hard not to when riding on a magic ship in the middle of an ocean.

[what isn't possible at this point? especially when this is some place between worlds, between universes. he's seen magic here, seen things he thought were only make believe.

john lifts an eyebrow at what she says before he nods after a moment. it would be complicated, but it would also be a potential escape. there's this wondering in his head if maybe that's not what the people behind the curtains had in plan. show them it's not so bad, let them have a second chance so they're grateful for this place. ...but he is suspicious by nature especially of those at the top.]

It does sound complicated. Complicated is dangerous, but it sounds like everyone is in a tight spot. There are no easy ways to get answers... so.

[they're stuck with what they know.

oh, john.]

[ oh, elena will never trust the two are far as she can throw them.

even the agents she has come to know and like, she wouldn't say she trusts them. at the end of the day they're still the people in power. she's thought of it before - if the two give them incentives such as these so they'll cooperate, but it just doesn't make it any less important to her - that she gets to see ric again where he would otherwise be dead, that someone like rue is relatively safe as opposed to forced into the hunger games to a potentially equally grisly fate.

it matters, even if it's all meant for their own purposes. it doesn't mean elena can't find her own meaning in it. she has to. there's no choice in her being there as it is. it's just stronger than her, stronger than even klaus if it can strip him completely of his powers. ]

No, there aren't. And they claim to believe in an even playing field, so people with abilities - they're stripped of them. In some cases that's a really good thing. [ bc who wants klaus and katherine at their full powers? ] In other ways, it makes getting answers or leaving that much harder. It's just - it's bigger than us.

[ so she has to find a way to move on with her life in spite of that. ]

[there's a pause as he nearly grimaces when she says people are stripped of powers. it is seeming much too much like ultra. people are kidnapped against their wills. they're stripped of their powers completely. the thought alone can make him shudder though he would be at least grateful to know that people can get their powers back, that it is not the same painful procedure that ultra has, which turns tomorrow people into husks of who they were.]

In other ways, it would be like taking-- They have already taken so much from people. Why do they get to take more? Why do they get to take away powers too? [john shakes his head, because he realizes she doesn't have those answers and the lack of having them must be frustrating as hell since she's the one that actually has to live it.]

...it sounds that way so all you can do is try to move forward or... to keep moving. Maybe not necessarily forward.

[to survive.]

[ elena wouldn't want that to happen to people like john. but people like klaus? the fact they are powerless, at least when they first arrive to teleios, is an advantage that she won't be sorry for. it's not that she doesn't believe alaric when he tells her klaus won't be a problem to her anymore specifically, but since when has her own well-being been her sole focus? he could easily hurt alaric, stefan, people she cares about, and he could do it with no one stopping him if he had his full powers.

she's praying he doesn't find himself courting an agent for a favor anytime soon. ]

That's kind of where I'm at. It's not like I could go back to Chicago even if I wanted, but - I'm not always great at doing that.

[ the whole moving forward thing if it means letting go of something she cares about. ]

[john can definitely see why certain people should have their powers taken. he can think of a few who... well. their powers don't make them good. they just make them powerful. they can do a lot of damage with those powers if they want to.

john has before after all. and he has seen what those who want to use their power for terrible things can do without thought, without remorse.]

Yeah, I'm not always so great at doing that myself.

I move forward because I have to, because I survive, but... Not always great at moving completely forward. Some part of me always seems to get stuck or caught.

Trapped maybe, I don't know.

[ the power itself is not what makes a person good or bad, elena agrees with that. it's how you use it, how it's wielded - whether it's a weapon or a shield. nothing about it is fair regardless of the way that you look at it, but elena also knows that it's never as black and white as it seems. she shifts a bit, propping her elbows and leaning forward to listen.

whatever it is, elena plans to get to the bottom of it in some way or another, but she's not thinking of that currently.

she's thinking of john's words and how familiar they are. how it could so easily be something that she would say herself, if she'd ever found the words to say them first. ]

Why ... do you think that is?

[ that he gets stuck. ]

[there's a long pause that follows her question, because he can tell that she understands. he gets that sense from her that she relates to what he is saying, that she finds it familiar too because of how she feels herself. john connects to that so from sensing that understanding, it's easier for him to find his own way.

it's easier for him to think of the reasons why-- why it's so hard for him to move forward after everything that has happened.

one would think he'd want to head for the hills as far from his past as possible, but.]

Guilt.

There are things I've done that I can't let go of, because the people they hurt are still... suffering from it.

[or they're dead. six feet in the ground, and they can't move forward.

why should he?]

[ it would be easy for him to connect.

beyond the fact her expression conveys an understanding that reaches beyond empathy, there's surface thoughts here and there about just how deeply that resonates with her. and has resonated with her, for a very long time now. for years, elena was wracked with survivor's guilt. she would be lying if she said she was completely free from those shackles, but she always keeps taking steps forward now. ]

Surviving while everything around you falls apart can seem meaningless, but it's not. And staying stuck in the same place won't change the past. It won't undo the hurt. It won't bring people back. [ the words may be difficult, but her voice is gentle. ] The things we do set things in motion, and we have to learn to live with that. So we can go on to do more, and be better, and try again.

It's a choice, and it's not easy, but it doesn't make it impossible.

[ she still believes that.

even after everything, elena still believes. ]

[john is picking up those bits and pieces helplessly. he isn't even trying to, because people do deserve their privacy but he can't help but pick up surface things from nearly anyone he meets. he feels that guilt that she carries herself, feels the way she has a difficult time letting go too like he does.

it makes it easier to open up about it, feeling that understanding, that connection there that they share.

there's a quiet silence following what she says before he licks his lips a bit thoughtfully then raises his gaze to meet her own. everything she is saying strikes a chord in him, rings true between them, and his chest aches with all of it as he folds his hands on top of the counter, staring down at his fingers while they lock together tightly.]

Do you remember those things for yourself too?

It just... seems like you understand. Really understand.

[because she has been through it herself. he can tell.]

[ elena's smile softens into something more bittersweet. ]

It's a work-in-progress.

[ Some days are better than others. Some moments are more easily defined than others. It's not easy to figure yourself out when you're constantly getting plucked from one place to another before you've even caught your breath. it keeps changing her, and so she keeps needing to find herself. again and again. ]

I'm... a work-in-progress. [ and she constantly has to work at it. it would be easy to unravel the threads and undo it all, but she actively fights against that. she wants it all to matter - every year, every place she's been sent to, everyone she has ever met and lost - it needs to matter. ]

[john smiles at her when he sees that smile on her face even if the bittersweet nature of it hits him square in the chest.]

It means something that you work at it and that you can recognize that about yourself enough to work at it. [he meets her gaze across the counter, breathing in deeply, because he really hasn't worked at it at all. john has been so wrapped up in this war and so wrapped up in surviving for so long that he-- he has never really known how to live.

he's caught glimpses of it in the lair, but he is always thinking and planning.]

It must be hard... even exhausting sometimes. [to always be working at it, but then again, it's exhausting to hold on too tightly to things and to be stuck.]

I didn't always recognize it.

[ much less would she have talked about it. elena is a very sociable creature. she needs and seeks connections to people. she doesn't like isolation. but in some ways, she's also very private - with her thoughts and with her feelings. she guards them, keeps them for herself sometimes, even if it's only because she doesn't understand them and she needs to sort them out before she can ever share them with anyone else. ]

But ending up in a place where you're meant to atone for your transgressions gets you thinking, regardless of whether or not they're being genuine.

[ the people that brought them there in the first place, that is. ]

It can be. But ... sometimes ignoring them or pretending they're not there can be more exhausting.

Recognizing it isn't easy. It means reflection, which can be hard to do especially with a lot going on.

[john shakes his head a bit, but it is true. it can be very difficult, and he isn't always any good at it himself. he is usually thinking about the past, thinking about the future, thinking about what he has to do. there hasn't been room for self examination nor has he ever felt like he should.

there's a war going on, and there have been people who rely on him. people who he lied to and betrayed. people who he took their only hope away from.]

Exhausting in a different way, because you don't always realize you're pretending or ignoring.

[it just becomes instinct. an instinct which can be dangerous.]

[ota] i am a super srs rper

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